Love knows no color: Adopted children find hope in multiethnic families
Written by: Angie Fenton, Author
Published: Wednesday, 23 December 2009
COURTESY
To Drew Won Howe, the color of love is pink. At least today.
After decorating a fuchsia-colored Christmas tree, he looked at his mother, Heidi Howe, and proclaimed their hallway creation “beautiful.” Then, he whispered in her ear, “Mama, I have to tell you a secret – don’t tell anybody: I want to be married to the Christmas tree.”
What do you do when your 4-year-old professes his love for a superficial, shimmering holiday shrub? If you’re heralded local musician Heidi Howe, you laugh your tail off (inwardly, of course, and maybe write his words down, just in case) and hug him closely – while waiting for the next gem to come out of his mouth. Because you know life is precious and so is your son.
What you don’t do is dwell on the infrequent occasions that seem to happen most often in grocery stores, though those are the moments when others are brazen enough to ask questions like, “How much did he cost?” or “Is he really yours?” when cart to cart with Howe’s milky white skin and blond hair and her son, Drew Won, with his dark locks and obvious Asian features.
“He didn’t come out of my belly,” said Howe, who, along with her now-former husband, an “awesome, awesome dad,” adopted Drew Won from South Korea when he was 1. “But I’m his real mom.”
Drew Won doesn’t know the difference, or seem to care.
“I don’t know if he thinks I look like him, or he looks like me,” said Howe, who admitted she’s raising her son to value variety while applauding his individuality. “I want him to have lots of diversity and all kinds of experiences. … He just wants to be like everybody else.”
Nearly five years ago, Drew Won was like so many other adoptees here and around the globe. He just needed a home. That’s what Howe and her then-husband thought about as they waited to welcome the child into their home. The soon-to-be-parents studied up on Korean culture and had “lofty goals,” Howe said. But then came baby Drew Won.
“It was all I could do to not go to Target wearing my slippers,” Howe said with a laugh. “I think lots of new moms understand that. But, I realized I’m … just going to love him the best I can.”
Seven years ago, Jennifer and Brad DeVries already had a houseful with their three biological children. They had no intention of adopting, Jennifer recalled.
“Then the Holy Spirit moved both of us” when they met Bryson, a 2-year-old, asthmatic black child who couldn’t talk and bit when he was angry.
JOE BUDD | contributing photographer
Brad and Jennifer DeVries (center) have seven biological and adopted children. The DeVries family, pictured from left, is: Elizabeth, Bryson, Luke, Brad, Angela, Cynthia, Jennifer, Olivia and Curtis.
“He was desperately in need of a family with the wherewithal (to handle him),” Brad DeVries said. “We just fell in love.”
Next came toddlers Curtis and Cynthia, who are black biological siblings. Then, came Angela, a biracial 10-year-old with long, dark, curly hair.
“We told God we weren’t going to adopt an older child,” said Jennifer Devries, smiling. “God and his infinite sense of humor.”
Within a year and a half the DeVries had adopted four children, bringing their multi ethnic brood to seven.
“We’re not a white family or a black family,” Jennifer DeVries said.
“We’re just family. A funny looking family,” said Brad DeVries, cracking a smile at his children sitting nearby: Olivia, 19, twins Luke and Elizabeth, 18, Angela, 17, Bryson, 9, Cynthia, 9, and Curtis, 7.
During the adoption process, the two had been asked what they were going to do to “keep our kids black,” Jennifer DeVries recalled, shaking her head slightly. “Our answer to that was we live in Oldham County. ... It’s a parenting issue, not a color issue.”
Added Brad DeVries: “I could care less about their color. I’m more interested in their hearts.”
When it comes to pointing out differences, the focus is on height, shoe size, and, occasionally, “we have hair issues,” Jennifer Devries said. “They squabble like they were born to each other, and I know with absolutely every fiber of my being they’d take a truck for each other.”
Although the family sometimes fields stares from passersby, Jennifer DeVries said, “Our family, our friends, our community – we get nothing but support.”
Usually.
The grocery store is the perfect place to be insulted, Jennifer DeVries said, wryly.
“I was with Angela and this woman kept saying, ‘No, really. Is she your real daughter?’”
Yes, Angela responded. “It feels like a real, natural family.”
Seated at the large, wood dining room table, Elizabeth looked up and smiled.
“We look like what the Lord’s family looks like. He adopted all of us and we’re multiracial.”
Aging out of the system
The reality is grim: In the past fiscal year, 764 youths “aged out” of the Kentucky foster care system when they reached their 18th birthday.
“Outcomes for those kids are not real good,” said Mike Grimes, adoption services branch manager for the Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services.
Children who grow up in the system and aren’t adopted can take advantage of various independent living programs and educational opportunities that extend the state’s assistance once they become legal adults, but many aren’t able or willing, Grimes said.
“You can extend it to 21, but a lot of kids want out (of the system),” he said. “They think the grass is greener.”
Grimes said the goal is to place youths in permanent homes before they age out and are suddenly charged with caring for themselves. One of the major challenges is defeating stereotypes about older kids and teens as potential adoptees.
“They’re damaged goods is the perception,” he said.
Another obstacle is recruiting adults to serve as mentors for those in the child welfare system. Project MATCH (Making Appropriate and Timely connections for CHildren) will help do just that. The $2 million federal grant to recruit foster and adoptive parents also aids staff like Grimes in “trying to connect these kids with significant adults in their lives.”
By the numbers
• Nearly 550,000 children are in the United States foster care system, and more than 150,000 of them are available for adoption.
• Nearly 7,000 children are in the Kentucky foster care system, and nearly 800 of them are available for adoption.
• Between 1971 and 2001, U.S. citizens adopted 265,677 children from other countries.
• There are 1.5 million adopted children in the United States, more than 2 percent of all U.S. children.
• 58 percent of Americans know someone who has been adopted, has adopted a child or has relinquished a child for adoption.
• Almost 90 percent of children adopted internationally are less than 5 years old, while a majority of those adopted from foster care are more than 5 years old.
• Around 8 percent of adoptions are trans racial, which includes inter-country adoptions.
Sources: Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption, Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services and Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.
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